


When I am Dead

by Demon_Hades



Category: Durarara!!
Genre: Aftermath, Angst, Character Death, Confessions, Grieving, I'm sorry for this, Letters, M/M, i don't know what else to tag?
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-09-18
Updated: 2016-09-18
Packaged: 2018-08-15 19:06:09
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Major Character Death
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,772
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/8069158
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Demon_Hades/pseuds/Demon_Hades
Summary: They never had any reason to be worried, they never thought something like this would happen. Shizuo is so strong after all, who would have thought that he'd be taken so suddenly? Tom has so many regrets, so many things left unsaid.(They way you said "I love you")





	

**Author's Note:**

  * For [Muzuki_chan](https://archiveofourown.org/users/Muzuki_chan/gifts).



He never thought the day would happen. Why would he think that something like this ever would? He’s survived knives, punches, bullet wounds, his body has broken down and rebuilt itself so many times, they were never worried about him getting injured, at least not seriously.

How mistaken they had been.

It should have just been another work day, another debt collecting job, another intimidation that ended in a couple punches maybe, then they’d get their money and be on their way, like always. 

That’s how it should have went, but it didn’t go down that way at all. 

This particular night, Tom was outside the apartment, waiting for Shizuo to do his thing. He lit a cigarette, took a drag and blew out smoke, he watched as the cloud swirled into the dark sky. It was almost night; they were almost done their work, the first few stars started to peek out against the darkening sky. The smell, the taste of the cigarette reminded him of Shizuo, the way he smelt, they way they’d take smoke breaks together, talk about their lives and the world. 

He couldn’t stomach the smell of cigarettes after that night.

There was a horrifyingly loud bang, and Tom remembers the feeling of his heart stopping. But it didn’t completely stop, it kept beating, and it went wild as he quickly ran into the apartment.

Shizuo was on the floor, and Tom instantly noticed red blooming from his chest. The pathetic shooter who was trying to get away from owing money stood petrified above Shizuo, the gun shaking in his hand. How cowardly, shooting someone to avoid debt. He supposed it was Shizuo, so the man might have gotten scared. But it _was_ Shizuo, so he should be okay, right? He should have been. He remembers yelling at the man, telling him to call an ambulance, he doesn’t remember what he said exactly, but he told him to take responsibilities for his mistake. Shizuo would be okay, he shouldn’t be this worried about him, he’s taken bullets before, he’ll recover. But he needed an ambulance, dammit, where was the ambulance?

He remembers being in the hospital with him, the nervous feeling as he watched Shizuo, motionless in a medical bed. It broke his heart to see him that that; god was he pale. Shizuo shouldn’t be stuck somewhere like that, he shouldn’t be injured like that.

But he was. He was stuck in a hospital bed, he was so very, very pale, so still, so vulnerable and weak. 

Tom felt helpless, he couldn’t do anything to comfort his friend, he couldn’t magically make it better. He blamed himself too, he still does, because it was his fault Shizuo was there, he was why he had this dangerous job in the first place. He stayed by his side every day, he’d wait for Shizuo to wake up, but he never did.

It was hard to accept that he was gone.

It just felt like Shizuo was just at home, and that Tom would get to see him when he came into work the next day. He couldn’t though, he knew he wouldn’t come into work anymore. 

Tom felt hollow, like he was just drifting from day to day, lifeless himself. He regretted so much, felt guilty about so much. He couldn’t talk to Shizuo, not anymore, he could never tell him how he felt. He loved Shizuo, he really did, but he never told him, he was too afraid to, but now he’ll never get the chance, and god, did he regret everything. He stayed awake at night, replaying scenarios in his head, every time that he could have, and _should_ have told him, what he should have confessed. 

He was there when it happened, he was by Shizuo’s side. He had fallen sleep next to the bed, but the annoying drawling beep of the heart monitor woke him up. It took him a second to realise what it was; the flat line sound screaming at him. Doctors were in the room in seconds, but they couldn’t do anything. He was just… gone.

Even being inside Shizuo’s apartment was unreal. He was in a daze as he blindly stumbled around the rooms. He didn’t know why he was here; Kasuka asked him to come help him with Shizuo’s things, but… why him? He supposed he was one of Shizuo’s best friends, but this felt like a family thing.

“Kasuka,” he said, trying to find which room Shizuo’s brother was in. His voice sounded quiet, and hoarse, which made him feel guilt again. He shouldn’t be this selfish, it wasn’t like he lost a brother, Kasuka did however, and he should be strong for him. Kasuka was always emotionless, hard to read, but whenever Tom looked at him, really looked, he could see that this was affecting him more than he let on. 

“Shizuo said he had items he wanted to give away when he died,” Kasuka told him. 

“Like a will?” Tom asked, watching as the actor opened Shizuo’s bedroom closet. 

“Nothing that official,” he replied, “he told me once he had a box of keepsakes and letters that he wanted people to have. He told me to find it when he died.”

“When he died…?” Tom said, the phrase not feeling right on his tongue. 

Kasuka slightly nods his head as he searches through the closet, “he told me a long time ago about this box. He always thought he would end up getting killed, given his line of work, and the kind of people who target him. Especially with how he fought with Orihara-san, he was worried it’d happen suddenly, like this.”

A small whimpers escapes his throat as he thinks about the fact that Shizuo _is_ gone. He hoped that bastard Izaya was proud of himself. He won against Shizuo, the “monster” was killed. He felt a lump form in his throat as he turned to look away from Kasuka. He felt so horrible; guilty, selfish, lonely.

He felt a hand pat his shoulder gently, and he slightly jumps, startled by the sudden touch. He turns, his mild half expecting to see Shizuo, standing in his own room and smiling at him, but he knows better. Kasuka lightly pats his shoulder again, trying to be comforting. “I believe this is what Shizuo wanted us to have.” He says, and Tom looks down at the small shoe box in Kasuka’s hands.

“Go ahead,” Tom says, looking from the box to Kasuka. “He was your brother; he would have wanted you to open it.”

Kasuka just nods a small thank you, then delicately removes the lid from the box. Inside were papers, photos, a small keepsake or two that must have meant a lot to Shizuo, since they were kept in perfect condition. Kasuka seemed to recognise what they were, but didn’t say anything about it, so Tom didn’t ask. There were probably so many childhood memories going through his mind at the moment, memories of his late brother. Tom wondered what they were like as children. He knew Shizuo from school, but even before that, he wondered what Shizuo was like, before he got his strength. Was he happy back then? Does he remember being a carefree and playful kid? 

_Did_ he remember… Tom still had to get used to past tense.

Kasuka takes a photo of he and Shizuo as children out of the box to examine it closer. Tom watches him, and he sees a swirl of emotions appear on his face, which takes him by surprise for a moment. Everything he and his family must be going through must be so horribly difficult right now, and to see it show on Kasuka means it must be taking its toll.

“Hey,” Tom says, placing a hand on Kasuka’s. “I’m sure Shizuo would be happy to know you found this, all this is probably meant for you and your family.”

Kasuka says nothing as he shakes his head, then beings to rummage through the box again, pushing papers aside as he searches for seemingly one specific thing. “He told me that there was something in here for you, and to make sure to give it to you.”

“For me?” Tom says, blinking in disbelief. Shizuo left him something? His heart began to race with a mix between excitement and nervousness. Kasuka holds out a clean and crisp envelope that had Tom’s name written neatly on it. He carefully takes it from him, like it was a small child he was afraid to injure. It was so small, and so delicate, he didn’t want to crumple the edges, to hurt it in any way. It was almost like seeing Shizuo, this was meant for Tom and it _was_ Shizuo, he didn’t want to ruin this precious thing, it would be too much like injuring Shizuo. He looks up at Kasuka, a little unsure whether he should break the envelope’s seal and defile the beauty of the paper, but Kasuka nods, urging him to open it.

With a shaky breath, Tom carefully breaks open the letter, not wanting to damage the contents inside. He peaks inside the envelope, then takes out a neatly folded hand written letter. He feels tears swarm his eyes as he gently unfolds it, recognising the hand writing that was no doubt Shizuo’s. He has to blinks and wipe his eyes a few times before his vision is clear enough to actually read the words. He sits down on Shizuo’s bed then, as Kasuka leaves him alone in the room, giving him a moment to collect himself and read the letter.

This would be Shizuo’s last words to him, he almost didn’t want to read them, it’d be too much like saying goodbye. He knew he needed the closure though, at least that’s what people told him. He went to the funeral, he saw Shizuo’s casket, said his words, said his goodbye. But this letter was really it, it would be Shizuo’s last words, his goodbyes, the words he didn’t get to say while he was at the hospital.

With shaky hands he grasps the paper in front of him, not wanting to let it go, not wanting to drop it and damage it. It takes him a moment again to clear the water from his vision before he can start reading it.

_Dear Tom._

_It is so weird writing this again. I write a new one almost every month, I think this is the 11th letter like this, maybe more, I’ve sort of lost count by now. I always write a new on though, every once in a while, I take the time to write these, its almost calming sometimes, just writing my thoughts, even if they’re scattered when I write. Its funny how much I can change though, a letter six months ago would be completely different than this one, that’s why I always write a new one every month. Its kind of liberating when I throw old ones out, it just means I managed to survive longer than I thought. I’d let you see my old letters too, but I do actually rip them up, I get mad at them, get mad at the past me and the thoughts I had, even with this letter I’ve rewritten it three times to get it perfect. You know I’m not good at words, I find it hard to express my feelings, I chicken out, I’m too much of a coward to tell you things in person. When I write I guess its maybe easier because it isn’t face to face, I can hide behind paper and pen._

_Oh, I guess I should explain why you’re reading this then. You probably know, but if you’re reading this, then I guess I’m probably… gone. Dead. That word never looks right when I write it, “dead,” its so disgusting. Or maybe I’m just showing you this while you’re with me, maybe you’re in my home, and we’ve gotten closer, and I’m showing you this because things have… well, I shouldn’t get ahead of myself._

_I know I’m not immortal, Tom, I’m not superman. I know this, but sometimes I forget, and I get cocky and reckless. I’ve had a couple close calls before, some scares after getting injured. I was shot, that one time remember? When I was at Shinra’s I was thinking that… if I were to ever actually die suddenly, I wouldn’t have told you all the thing I wanted to, all the things I couldn’t. So just in case anything ever does happen I write these letters, in case I don’t get to tell you, because who knows when or where I will die. It could be so sudden, and I don’t even get to tell you, because I’m a coward, Tom, I’m afraid of your reaction, I’m afraid to let you close, because I’m afraid to hurt you. I guess that’s why I’ve never told you everything I wanted to. So, just… let me say somethings._

_No matter what happens to me, Tom, it was no one’s fault but my own. I know a lot of people target me, I have a lot of enemies, people jump me and try to start fights, its exhausting. Our job is dangerous, but I just want to keep you safe. Bu if you’re reading this I guess I can’t now though huh? I failed you, I’m sorry Tom. Also, I hope that flea bastard is happy when I’m gone, he won, the beast is tamed. Sorry, he makes me so angry. He’s my worst enemy, but not my only one, I have so many people who hate me, want to fight me, and I have so few friends. I’m afraid to hurt them, I know I will, I’m afraid to hurt you too. You mean so much to me, you’re my closest friend, and I’m really sorry I left you._

_I’m sorry for a lot of things I guess. I’m sorry you’ve been stuck with me for so long, it couldn’t have been easy all these years. All my anger, my fights, my self hatred, I still don’t know why you’ve put up with it. I guess I’m trying to say thank you, Tom, you’ve always been there for me. There’s so many things I’ve wanted to tell you, I wanted you to know how much you mean to me, but I could never say it. There’s one thing in particular I’ve wanted to tell you, its… kind of big, I suppose._

_For so long now, years, I’ve really loved you Tom. Not just as a friend, but… love. It’s so weird to write this, that word fits as badly almost as much as “dead” does. I don’t really deserve your love, but I’ve wanted it for so long, I’ve wanted to be with you, but I didn’t want you to be with me, it seems unfair if you were to be stuck with me. I’m so afraid to hurt you, Tom, that’s why I never said anything. I’m just afraid. People always think that because I’m so strong that I’m not afraid, but I’m a coward, I can’t even tell you that I love you. So, just in case that something does happen to me, and I can never confess it, I just want you to know, Tom, that I’ve loved you for so long, I’m sorry I’m gone._

_Please don’t be sad either, I would hate to see you sad over me. I was never happy in life, only when I was with you, so please, be happy for me, live your life and find someone to love._

_I’ll miss you Tom. I really hope wherever I’m going when I’m gone that I’ll be able to watch over you._

_\- Shizuo._

…

Tom was silent as he read the letter, as it got close to the end he felt tears blurring his vision again. When he saw Shizuo’s name, written neatly at the end, he let himself break. He closed his eyes as he sobbed silently into the hand that was covering his mouth. 

How did things end up like this?

Shizuo loved him too? But he never said anything, and neither did Tom, but they both loved each other. What horrible irony. They were in the same situation, but they were both afraid to confess. God, if Tom was braver… he and Shizuo could have actually been something. But Shizuo was gone, and he regretted that he couldn’t tell him his feelings. 

He regretted he didn’t tell him that he loved him too.

**Author's Note:**

> Based on [this](http://demon-of-ikebukuro.tumblr.com/post/150475890923/the-way-you-said-i-love-you) prompt. "The ways you said 'I love you'" and the prompt "when I am dead."  
> Requested by my lovely [Muzuki-chan](http://muzuki-chan.tumblr.com/)~ (I realised I didn't gift it to you properly, its fixed now)
> 
> Why you do this to me


End file.
